I have heard allot of thoughts about 2012 and i know as a Christian they should not worry me.. HOWEVER they do very much so.. December 21, 2012 is the last day in the Mayan calendar. ok thats pretty BA right that they just not to long ago found the calender that all these smart people made and determine the day the earth will end right..... and yes i know a great deal of people believe, But the things that startle me is that in 2012 the scientist have discovered that the planets are supposed to aline... right pretty awesome not to mention the meteor that is supposed to hit earth.. ok so im a wee bit more scared... but what topped it off for me is that while i was in louisiana my parents and a few members of my extended family where talking about the bible, and Revelations and 2012 and all right... well i find out that my mom is in that generation "that will not parish" right lol so how ever long a generation is.. rule of thumb somewhere between 40 to 70 years..give or take.. right

SO SO SO according to the bible my mother... and her siblings they will not die of old age.... now my mom is like 55 56 idk but her eldest brother is around 70 now idk if he is 68 69 or 70

needles to say i cried

i cried a great deal lol

and i know this is gay for me to be so upset and read far to much into this but im rather pissed.. cause if any of this comes true.. im only 18 i have not been married had a baby, seen rome, danced in the rain with the boy i love, i will have never experience anything i truly wanted out of life.. i will never finish school. i will never have a real job. but what i will have,. is this though hanging over my head for how ever long. sleepless nights, and hopefully acceptance

sad how sometimes we or maybe i alone think like this.

So i skipped school today, i know i know naughty me.

Today was amazing. i woke up around 9 to my mom telling me she was going to the gym, i got ready like every day for school but only in a little more of a sad mood. to much thinking often gets the best of me, and when your boyfriend leaves you alone with all the time in the world to do so.. well, it doesn't really help.

after calling tiffany to see if she wanted to have a day field with tacos and sitting on the carpet watching adam sandler movies, only to hear she is chillin with Ben today. i though maybe i should go to school. just suck it up, bite my lower lip and go in and sit there lisening to miranda talk about her fiancee, Olivia about shane or chad or who ever she is in love with this week, and every guy in my school pine over every girl they see. i know its silly to talk about my own drama specially when part of it is gettin annoyed by others.

a block away from my school, at Taco bell i changed my mind, i woke up this morning in the saddest mood, and there was no way i wanted to go to that claustrophobic place to dampin it even more so. i grabbed my taco and nachos and drove off, first to the park, thinking i would eat there. but to many people to watch me eat. So i drove to my old church that faces the interstate and ate while i watched all the cars drive by in the poorin down rain. i listen to bob dylen, bob marley, and the doors.

after my rather peaceful lunch mi took a drive around mnt brook, which i find to be very beautiful in the rain. the trees that form into canapes are just gorgeous with water dripping off of them. I cam home in a much better mood but still a little sad. after a short 30 min nap i watched Almost famous, one of my favorite movies since,, well since forever!

i hadn't watch that movie in so long. it had actually been maybe even years since the last time. but oh how happy and free it made me feel. silly i know to think  a movie can make you feel free, but they can and for me many little things do, and Almost Famous is one of them. I still cry when Penny leaves on the plane and william runs with the plane in the air port. Tiny Dancer is still my favorite part. i forgot how nice it is to watch an old favorite and how i used to dream of naming my daughter Penny Lane, and my son Jude. which ultimately made me sad. Sad how something you grow up with and you hope for may never come, sad that i can never name my son Jude, sad that the one person i care so much for doesn't care one lick for me. i was so happy that i accomplished my day with ease not getting caught and having such a wonderful day. The sun is up now. and i am happy. happy for all the things i do have rather then just thinking about one dission someone made to hurt me. im hoping that i shall talk to shane soon and find myself and make the discission that i have been needing to make. to day was a masterpiece. confusing but with a great mind settling end.

i hope this made since, i do seem to get mixed with my own thoughts and words and it doesn't always come out right.

 should love someone for who and what they are. but it has been brought to my attention that i am not a good friend. this is the first time i have been told about this and i am kinda suprised by the fact that it was told to me by someone i have done no wrong to. but non the less what she called me out on i am very bad for. and is a thing about myself i hate the most. i wear my emotions on my sleeve. i do and i know this, i am sorry to everyone that may or may not have been effected. i can't help it and i have been trying harder now to let this pass and trying to not let this effect people. but yet again today i was very angry with an issue and i was holding in all my anger and thinking everything over just taking it in, trying so hard not to bring my friend in to the situation. and i guess my silence was mistaken for being a bitch...... my tears and my hurting made me a bad friend. hearing this mad me more upset ontop of everything that has been happening this week. this is not want i wanted to know.

I want to change i do. i want to not talk about the bad things and i want to not effect people with my mood. i don't mean to.. but i also don't try  to not, things just slip out and im like whoa then get caught up in everything and roll with the flow.. but im making a promise to myself that hopeful i shall keep and hopefully i have good enough friends who will help me keep it. i don't wanna be a "bitch" i don't wanna let people in on my every emotion. im done with my past friends i am threw with him and this is it. i want no more talk of him. no more letting him get to me, w/e he says to my friends i hope they are strong enough to not listen and know that it is not true or know that he is tryin to get to me threw your pants. i had spent to years being hurt mentally and physical and i finished that friendship last month yet his words still hurt me.. i don't want the hurt i want to be strong, and have the mind set to just ignore what he says and does and know it is for the best. to all those who i have hurt with my words i am sorry. and for all those i have said bad things about..i too am sorry, please note i did not mean what i did to you. and i hope that one day i can make it up to you and you shall forgive me.

Juliana Kelsey Ben Allison and Miranda. ya'll are my most to heart people i have hurt and i am truly sorry. Juliana you were a victim of circumstance, i did not mean to reflect me anger from jake to you, i know you have forgiven me but i am truly sorry and i did not mean to make you mad or in a more hormonal position!

Kelsey for everything i have fought with you about in our past, for ever getting mad over little things that made no since, and forever making you feel un important in my life. and for anything else.

Ben lol was a lil boy i would make fun of when i was in the 3rd grade =[ always haunted me and i have always felt bad for making you cry. sad how i still ask God to forgive me for that and pray that you forgive me ever so often.

and Miranda you a very judgemental and i adore you lol i love that you show me who i really am but i am so sorry for calling you out when sometimes the judgement is to much. your bluntness is a wonderful treat and you use it better than i. i know you love me and my insecurity has put me and you in a few fights. i am sorry for my act of stupidity in the car with michael idk why i said that and it really isn't funny. about a sec after i spoke i wanted to kick myself i hope one day to make a better impression on your love and maybe things between him and i will be ok. i doubt it very much boy can hold a grudge lol and you never get back a first impression  but i can dream!

i hope and pray i can stick to this and maybe be a better person one day. and i am sorry for anyone i have hurt or will hurt. im trying.